Relationships
note: this Dendron Node is about relationships in a general sense, not just romantic relationships.
Talk about yourself less than 50% of the time
Stop saying sorry so much when you aren't at fault. Instead, use exclamations
- ex. When bikers pass and you and your dog is in the way, don't day sorry, say "just watch out, I've got a dog here"
Each person has their own set of morals that they use for justification, reasoning rationalization and understanding about the world. This is a bubble around people and when two people interact their bubbles hit one another. If there is a great degree of understanding then they will absorb into one another and there will be good relations. Otherwise there will never be more than a surface relationship and there may even be resentment. Understanding someone's perspective is the only thing that allows these two bubbles to mesh together. True acceptance allows the most absorption
When you want someone to change their behaviour/approach, put it in terms of some way that they stand to lose by the outcome of that approach
- ex. In Desperative Housewives, Carlos Solis makes the decision to get rid of housekeeper, so in response Gabrielle says "I'm going to miss having sex with you. With all the housework I'm gonna have to do, I'm going to be exhausted at night"
You can't assume any attributes of a person based solely on their affiliations (republican, gay, Christian). When you debate with someone, there is a tendency for you to assume they have attributes affiliated with one of these cohorts, and you will base arguments off of that. This is why genuine questions to understand the other's view point is the only way.
To make sure you understand someone well, repeat what the other person said in your own words, and not proceeding until you have that affirmation
Socratic method
- step 1: make sure you have a good understanding of the other person's view point
- step 2: poke holes in their argument by using genuine questions that lead to imply their arguments could use logical maturing (need to adapt their thinking) Framing your disagreements in the form of questions gives the other side a chance to respond without feeling cornered
Yes, but...
finding any form of agreement can be critical to getting people to come around to your way of thinking. Find something they said that you agree with, and explain why it is the right thing to do ex. person 1: you're just splitting hairs here person 2: well yes, but maybe that's exactly what we should be doing do this to avoid putting someone else on the defensive. When you rebut someone's argument outright, they take it as a personal affront ex. "ok, I'll give you that!" (conceding a point)
Hidden premises
Hidden premises are unspoken assertions baked into a question or statement.
When someone creates an argument but you can't quite explain why, it's either because you can't find the hidden premise, or you're experiencing cognitivie dissonance.
- ex.
- person 1: What do you say to people who say "the daily show is an echo chamber?"
- person 2: Everything is an echo chamber. That's the whole point of watching something you like.
- Implied premise is that being in an echo chamber is a bad thing
- Responding like this is an example of "yes but".
If you have never amended your beliefs about something before, then you are operating from conditioning, and thus have a higher probability of being wrong
The goal of argument is not to be right; it's to get it right
If you have ideas you believe in, you should be willing to test those ideas against someone who doesn't agree with you
Offer others a simple, flattering headline when introducing them
Understanding someone’s suffering is the best gift you can give another person. Understanding is love’s other name. If you don’t understand, you can’t love.
If you care about being thought credible and intelligent, do not use complex language where simpler language will do.
If someone tells you, “I’m offended,” it usually means you’ve exposed a truth they want to keep denied.
“Argue like you’re right and listen like you’re wrong.”
Humans are influenced by a desire to be important
- How one achieves this feeling is what defines their character
When you sympathize with someone from the onset, you can set yourself up to win people to your way of thinking now that they are disarmed.
"sympathetic connection" is the key thing that is necessary between two people to have a meaningful conversation. If you cannot listening intently to a point where you can vividly imagine what the other person is describing, you cannot make a meaningful connection
- say I mention the weather and how it has been nothing but rain for 2 weeks. If the other person has also experienced the same thing, they will be able to feel what is being said, and sympathize more, resulting in a more engaged response.
When someone asks us a question that indicates interest in our process we feel that we have that person’s full attention, that there’s nothing this person wants more in that moment than for us to expand and share more about ourselves.
It takes two to tango
Are my current actions negatively impacting the outcome of this situation?
Is it possible that my perspective is not 100% right? In that case, should I be making a judgment on a situation I don't have all of the facts on?
- using words like "I think" or "I believe" creates separation between you (the "I think" part) and your ideas (the rest of the sentence that follows)
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